The Blame Game
I have kept a running journal this entire year. It is the first year that I have ever had a running journal to write about my running, document times that I hit, races I did, thoughts, feelings, injuries etc in regards to running. Last year I just wrote my distance in an excel spreadsheet and called it good. I still do this spreadsheet just to make sure that somewhere I didn’t miss a run or didn’t add up my mileage correctly but all in all I laid a lot of dreams on my journal.
The reason for the year of the journal? Because this was the year that I would hit some massive PRs. It would be the year that I crushed my 1112 miles that I did last year. It would be the year that I would see massive gains in my fitness. Massive fitness gains, PRs and crushing 1112 miles this year just did not happen. I know, I know, the year isn’t over yet. But with two months left and many, many, many miles left to run I just don’t see a PD in a year happening this year.
Multiple months of less than 100 miles a month, weeks of only running once or twice and only 5 miles each of those times definitely hindered hitting many of my goals. For the better part of the year I have blamed work. I have been putting in extra hours due to extra responsibility. I blamed the sun, or the lack there of. It’s hard to get up at 5am when the sun isn’t even up. It’s also hard to get motivation to run after work when the sun sets soon after I get out some days. I blamed the weird winter we had early this year. The thawing and the freezing left sidewalks icy. I blamed the intense heat and humidity this summer for why I couldn’t run outside. I blamed the heat and humidity for why I couldn’t run on the treadmill.
I have blamed anything that I could on why I couldn’t run to the best of my ability or to even run at all. To say that I lucked out on my most recent half on the 14th of October would be an understatement. I put in no training what so ever and ran by the seat of my pants to get a 2:03 finish. I know 2:03 isn’t the fastest, do not confuse me, I know it isn’t an AMAZING time. However, it IS a good time. A time that I am definitely not embarrased of. It is a time that after my first 1/2 I wouldn’t have guessed that I would ever see. I KNOW that I COULD do better and even wanted to set a 1/2 PR this year because I KNOW that I COULD. However, with no training and only running a handful of times shockingly isn’t a PR making recipe.
So what is the point of this post? Besides capturing all the reasons why I don’t run? To lay them out on the line, to put it out that these are my excuses. I have used them all and I am tired of them all. I know I have said it in a number of posts; “From now on…” “From this day forward” “I am going to start” etc. however, they have always dwindled after a few weeks, days, hours. I am not going to do that anymore. I am only going to say, I am tired of my excuses. Sometimes they are legitimate excuses and ones that I need to use for safety reasons, some are just BS that I tell myself and then forcefeed it down everyone else’s. However, I am tired of them. I don’t want to use excuses any more in regards to running, something that I choose to do, and love to do. From now on I am owning it all.
I need to break the cycle of complatency and being lethargic. I need to stop using an excuse and need to start owning my decision. Instead of saying I didn’t run because of x,y,z I will instead say, I didn’t run because I was being a bum and wanted to be lazy instead. That’s the truth isn’t it? Well at least in my case it is. Maybe, if I have to be honest with myself I will stop lying to myself. I will stop being scared to actually go after those PRs. Stop being scared to put in the training and stop being afraid to fail after putting in the hard work and trying to go after what I want. I am tired of letting fear hold me back to rest of what I know I can do instead of striving for what I hope one day I can do. Today, I am going to try to not be afraid. I hope tomorrow I make that same choice. I hope that after a week of being strong and fearless I will start feeling less afraid. Fake it ’till you make it! I hope one day to say I am not afraid and mean it!